I didn’t always take care of my looks which is fairly normal. No one comes out of the womb and asks for hairspray. Except maybe Dolly Parton. Until around the age of 12 I didn’t care at all about how I looked. That is good because at the time I was chubby with braces and was wearing the most hideous glasses ever made. Yes, there’s photographic evidence of this. And to prove how much I did not care about my looks I took every opportunity to make myself look more hideous. It was a defence mechanism I suppose. I still do it, whenever I am uncomfortable or just feeling out of place I will resort to saying something extremely embarrassing to me but hilarious to others.

A couple of years later I started noticing myself and the way I looked and started taking small steps to make myself look a bit more decent. I started using hair gel and made my own choices when it came to clothes and eye wear. I started experimenting with different hair styles but nothing crazy. It helped that my metabolism changed and I lost a lot of weight over the course of one summer and I got rid of my braces. However, it wasn’t until I moved out of my parents’ house that I truly started looking at myself and my image.

Since then I have developed a taste in clothes and style. I have changed my hair a million times and made some embarrassing choices (when it comes to hair style and clothes). The problem now is that I have reached a point where I always want to look my best. Earlier I popped out of the house briefly to get some booze and stuff for dinner (since I was already going to the super market) and while I knew that I only had 30 minutes before the super market closed, I actually took the time to do my hair.

That’s right, I was going to be out of the house for about 15 minutes (since the super market is right around the corner) and yet I actually dried my hair and styled it. I could had popped a hat on and called it a look but I didn’t. The problem is worse in the mornings when I have to get ready with no caffeine in me and not being a morning person does not help. I usually take up to 45 minutes to shower, shave, get dressed and, as you probably already guessed, do my hair. Some mornings it takes longer depending on how slow I move and other times it takes half the time (like if I’m already running late).

Okay, I’ve gotten too drunk to actually finish what I wanted to say in this post so I will stop here while I’m still making sense.

Do you have little obsessions with the way you look, like your hair or clothes?

Because of everything that’s been going on with my mother I have been unable to concentrate on studying. I usually find that expressing myself creatively helps me take my mind off of things. Today I have been incredibly incapable of focusing on anything so I sat down and thought I’d try making a new masthead a few days early.

It is already up there but if you can’t see it you need to refresh the page after clearing your browser’s cache. I also changed the background to match the new masthead.

I give you, “battling my insomnia one z at a time”. Since I have been struggling with sleep lately I found this new tag-line quite fitting. Don’t you think it is?

It’s not one of the best I’ve made but I hope you like it.

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If you want you can visit the Mastheads page and have a look at all the mastheads I’ve gone through on this blog but I warn you; the further back you go, the crappier they get. It’s like a timeline of how my design skills are evolving, if you may.

I received some bad news last week. My mum has been having some very bad headaches lately. She has been taking pain killers but they would always come back. I have asked her, nay, begged her to go see a doctor. She never did. She kept saying she would but never actually arranged to go. I am very much like my mother. I take after her in more than one ways especially personality-wise. I do not go to doctors. I know I should and I keep saying I will but I end up never going. Exactly like my mother.

Last week the headaches got pretty bad and my dad took her to see a doctor. The tests showed a tumour. That was the bad news. The good news were that the tumour was benign. It is a lipoma which is nothing more than fatty tissue which is normally left untouched unless there are cosmetic reasons to remove it. In the case of my mother however the lipoma is pressing against a nerve (or possibly more than one) in her head which is causing the headaches and from what I understand the nausea she was experiencing last week as well.

Today, of all days, she was admitted to hospital. She is having a lot of tests done one of which requires her to not move. I am not exactly sure what it is but she was injected with some drug which requires her being as still as possible until tomorrow when the test will be done. She is spending Mother’s Day in a bed. She has to remain still and is not going to sleep because of that. But that, for me, is not the worse thing.

The worse thing is that she is alone. I am not there because I can’t be there. She is too far away for me to visit. I am close to tears because I can’t be there for her. There’s nothing I can do about it and it’s killing me. A phone call is not enough but it’s all we have right now. I tried to be strong on the phone and as cheerful as possible. The last thing she needs is a boy crying over the phone right now. I laughed and joked and did my best to give her as much strength as possible. People have told me this is not a dangerous procedure and that I shouldn’t worry but all this means nothing because the truth is I am too scared of losing her. She is my strength and my idol. She has done too much for me. She has done things I cannot even imagine myself being able to do in her position. You know what the first thing she said on the phone was? That she’s sorry but it looks like she won’t be able to be here for my finals. She is the most powerful person I know and I can only wish to be half the person she is.

Mum, I love you.

I love you more than words can express and more than actions can show. I wish I could be there with you.

Lecturer: You know what the deal with exams is, right?
Students: *blank stare*
Lecturer: It’s about marks, not knowledge.

I woke up from a dream where everything around me was misty. Thick fog was blurring my surroundings and I had no idea where I was headed. I was following the road I was on thinking that this was the best way to not get lost. When I opened my eyes the sun was shining and warming my bed through the bedroom window. I could feel the gentle morning sun warmth on my skin. Not being a morning person means that I do not express anything for at least the first 30 minutes of being awake (on my best days) but I was smiling on the inside. I was smiling because the nastiness of the past few weeks is over. The weather is getting warmer every day and it feels like summer every time I go outside.

Guys in just flip-flops and shorts are walking around or sunbathing in the parks. Girls in their most casual clothes are basking in the sun and drinking brightly coloured frozen drinks. Young children are playing at the beach. Older people are sitting in deck chairs chatting away while the sun reddens their skin. I am walking past them all in my usual fast pace wishing that I could be one of them even for only an hour. They all look so carefree and at that very moment I get pulled into their lives. Suddenly I am a young boy throwing pebbles in the sea trying to make a bigger splash than the rest of my recently met friends. I am a mother of 3 smiling as I take a photo of my children acting goofy. I am an old man walking my dog along the seafront with the help of a walking cane. Just like that, I’m there imagining what they are thinking and feeling. I am not imagining what their lives are like but what they are feeling that very moment. They seem happy.

I keep walking and I can’t help but notice that everyone looks happy. Hell, even I am looking happy. It doesn’t matter that I have a very difficult month ahead of me. It doesn’t matter that this month is what will judge whether the last 4 years of my life have been successful or I should had spent my time and money in something else. The only thing that matters is that in exactly a month from today I will be finished with this course. I will not be bound by coursework. I will be able to enjoy my summer and choose my next steps.

The dream was true; I don’t know where I am headed but I am following that road. The road will soon take me to the next town and the fog will clear by the time I get there. Where I go from there is a whole different trip but until then I will remember all this and keep that smile on my face no matter how stressed I get. The wonderful weather will make it harder to stay inside and study but it will elevate my mood and a good mood is vital when preparing for final exams. Final! That word gives me goosebumps!

Off I go!

Sssso this Bank Holiday Weekend was timed perfectly. Wonderful weather, less coursework and a longer weekend makes for a very happy Colin. On Saturday morning and after I had slept like a log (literally - I didn’t move from the position I fell asleep in and woke up all stiff) for 16 hours because I had to make up for all the sleep I lost during the week, a friend of mine sent me a text to meet up for a coffee. On a day as perfect as Saturday, I could not refuse. However, we did not have coffee. In fact, we did everything but have coffee.

We had drinks (the best Pimms I have ever had), we went shopping (spent way too much money, in my case £250 for a pair of jeans, shoes and a new leather shoulder bag), had ice cream and finally went to a travel agency. We got our first quote for a trip. A trip many of you will be glad to hear about because if it goes as I’m planning, I will be in the US this summer! Yep! Starting from New York and then hopefully visiting a couple more states so I can see a few of you guys. I don’t know how far I can go but I will be updating you with details on the dates and how much time/money I’ll have during the trip so I can put a short “US tour” together. Of course this could all go wrong and nothing will happen if my friend can’t make the first part of the trip with me.

Now let’s leave the Saturday news behind and move on to Sunday. Sunday was meant to be a quiet day. I didn’t have anything planned and with my iMac not working since Saturday night I had to spent most of Sunday bringing it back to life and to the way it was before I somehow corrupted my user profile. However, I spoke with someone I went on a date with a couple of months back. We arranged to meet up for a drink and that was meant to be it. A drink on a warm Sunday evening. So let me just say it went further than that and we ended up at his place. If you have deciphered the post title by now you’ll know what happened. I don’t think this will go any further but I don’t mind. It was a great way to blow off some steam and besides I’m not looking for a boyfriend at the moment.

So please leave your location in the comments and how far you might be willing to travel to meet me in the summer. For now the dates I might be going to the US are mid-July to early August but they might change. Let’s see if this will work!