I feel awful. I need to get this out because I’m hoping it will help me feel a little better.

Earlier today I was on the phone with my father. He had something important to tell me: I am a disappointment. He didn’t say it and yet he was clear about it. Piercings are a way to embarrass someone. He is embarrassed by his own son because of a pierced tongue or a pierced anything. I went from mad to sad in less that a second. I said nothing because the words wouldn’t come out so I only listened. I shame him in front of his friends or colleagues because he openly disapproves piercings and now he has a son who has them. Now everyone will be thinking that he is less of a person because he can’t get his son to comply with his narrow minded ideas or what he repeatedly referred to as “values”. He said that the week he spent here helping with the move was a nightmare for him. He said that he wanted to leave since the second day because of that. I’ve had this piercing for almost 4 years but I always wore a clear stud to make it less obvious to him only this time I didn’t try to hide it. I was such an idiot trying to be myself.

I spent my childhood, and every moment around my parents since then, hidden. I have been quiet and kept a low profile. But that is not me. I am exactly the opposite. I am the black sheep of the family but I don’t think they know. Inside I am loud, extreme and full of colours. I was alone growing up because of all this. Sure they love me but they would never be able to accept me for who I really am. I have been trying to convince myself the opposite but it will never happen and I know. A person who cannot accept a piercing would never be able to be okay with his son being a “nancy boy”, a “poof”, a “queer”. And in case you were wondering this is what this post is about. I will never be able to live my life around them.

I love him and hate him at the same time. Hate is a harsh feeling and so is love.

People say that being gay makes you stronger because you have to endure a lot more. I simply don’t want to be stronger this way. I don’t want to fight this hard to feel the acceptance of my own family. I can no longer listen to homophobic remarks come out of my father’s mouth every time he sees a homosexual person being honest to the world. It’s not an alternative lifestyle and it’s not a choice. I don’t believe that anyone made me the way I am. I simply came out this way and I need my parents to say that it’s okay. But they will never be able to. They don’t know how. For crying out loud, it is NORMAL. *I* am normal.

The show must go on though, right? I will fake my smile again. I will disguise the heartache and make myself seem ecstatic about the world again. Tomorrow.

I guess that settles it. I won’t be home for Christmas this year.

As expected, my brother arrived on Monday from his holidays.
As expected, I ended up doing all the house hunting and panicking by myself.
As expected, he simply went to the letting agents’ and just signed his name to the forms I had already filled in for him.
As expected, after I upgraded to the latest version of WordPress I haven’t had the time or energy to write anything.
As expected, I had to upgrade a lot of the plugins I use (thankfully the new version makes that very easy).
As expected, at least one of the plugins won’t work or upgrade itself causing the death of an important page on this site (well it IS for me).
As expected, I started Uni today.
As expected, it seems daunting but very exciting.

What I did not expect was learning that I am well known within the faculty at Uni. Apparently they know me by name and they “have heard a lot of great things about me and they’re SO excited to finally meet me!”

Ummmm, what?!

What’s even worse is that I had no idea who this person was. I am a Uni celebrity! Finally! (but still, how?? why?? me??! huh!)