a real mental breakdown
My stress levels have risen to a point I didn’t think I could reach. I just spent a few good minutes crying over the phone to my parents. It was involuntary. They were telling me to try and relax and that things will go okay and even if they don’t, it’s not the end of the world but I couldn’t help it. I just burst into tears.
I know University is not worth acting like that over. I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s, though. I have worked very hard to get to where I am now. What if I don’t do well? What if my dissertation goes all wrong and I don’t pass (like I’m thinking it will)? What if I don’t get a degree with a grade good enough to get on to the Masters degree that I want to do? What if everything goes totally wrong and I don’t graduate this year and have to repeat the whole year?
I thought I was stronger than this. I don’t recognise myself right now. I have gone through worse things and I didn’t break down like this. I always convinced myself I could get through whatever was happening and managed it. Why can’t I do it now? Why am I reduced to this? I can’t accept that so many students have managed to get through this and I can’t. I refuse to accept any of this.
I want to say I am strong and I can do this but I can’t. It’s all very dark and denial has stopped working for me.
Reality never tasted so bad.
Related posts:
A daily fact
“what are you gonna be when you grow up?”
coming of age
between a panic attack and a freak-out, catching up with me
next time I’ll have that coffee and skip the misery
Commented on April 7th, 2008 at 1:57 pm***BIG HUG***
You *are* better than this. You can get through this. Don’t worry about the what if’s and just try to get through it and enjoy life. You’re doing ok, we’re all here for you.
You can do it!
Commented on April 7th, 2008 at 2:21 pmYou can get through this. It may not seem like it now but you can. Just make sure you are taking care of your body.
Many people feel like this when working on their degrees. Just stay focused and quit doubting yourself so much. You wouldn’t be where you are if you weren’t capable.
Hang in there.
Commented on April 7th, 2008 at 3:28 pmI don’t have any advice except to say that I had a very similar experience at university to the point that I went home awol for a week. It felt like I was at the bottom of a very deep well and any well-meaning platitudes were just a million miles above me and useless.
I pulled myself out eventually with herculean effort. I’ve pretty much learned every coping/anti-depression strategy since because I *know* I never want to get to that place again.
Thinking of you. xxx
Commented on April 7th, 2008 at 5:33 pmThinking of you, Colin.
Commented on April 8th, 2008 at 3:47 amDanalyn :: Thanks, I could really use a real hug right now.
yoshi :: I have stopped thinking about it. I’m making my way through the work now and it’s helping to just do instead of thinking.
Melanie :: You see, I think I am capable which is why I don’t understand why I am struggling so much. I shouldn’t overthink things any more but I can’t help it.
Pewari :: I had a lighter meltdown back in January which led me to go awol too. I went back home for a week just to get away from everything but this time I don’t want to leave, I just want to give up. I think I should learn some anti-stress/depression techniques, also.
Jenny :: Thanks sweetie! It helps a lot to know there are people thinking of me in support.
You guys rock. All of you!
Well one of the techniques I learned then and still use a lot is very simple (almost too simple, hard to do in practise… and almost impossible to use while you’re in the pit, but if you catch yourself going down into a spiral then it’s great).
It’s simply this: EVERY time you catch yourself thinking ONE negative thing, you have to immediately think of FIVE positive things along the same subject. Eg. “my dissertation will be crap”…”but that last essay I did got a good grade”…”and my tutor was really pleased with my contributions last tutorial”… “I work hard and I deserve to do well”… “I know, I’m going to spend 15 minutes working on a plan”…”I know some great research tools I can use for it”.
Mostly it distracts your mind and reprograms yourself to have a more positive world view. As I say, simple idea, hard to do but worth it.
The other thing that helped me is breathing techniques. Either from something like tai chi or meditation (there’s some great free meditation podcasts on iTunes if you take a look around) or in my case I learned mine from yoga in pregnancy (you might not qualify for that one
). Slow diaphragmatic breathing whenever I feel the urge to panic or feel scared and overwhelmed really helps me get back on track.
Hope these help. As I say, they may not be much use now, but once you’re on the road to recovery they can do a lot of good.
Commented on April 8th, 2008 at 8:13 amDude! You must chill!
Seriously though, if you are sick and dealing with the stress of a dissertation, it’s no surprise that you feel like you are falling apart. Well that and because you may actually be falling apart.
That head thing sounds pretty serious. You should definitely make the time to get it checked out. Think about it this way: if it’s a life threatening illness, you can stop working on University and not worry about it! See, there’s a silver lining for you!
Commented on April 9th, 2008 at 5:03 amI’m actually doing a lot better now. No more meltdowns.
So glad you are doing better!
Commented on April 9th, 2008 at 3:12 pm