I’m not in a good mood today. I might attack people today. And that is not a good thing, especially today. Occasionally I do enjoy being in a mood like this because that means I can bite people and not feel so bad about it. No, not really I have never bitten anyone in my life. Well, except my brother but that doesn’t count. We were young and he was stronger than me (he still is) and my teeth were my only weapon.

I don’t know if it’s the weather or the dreams I had last night but I feel so angry. I would rather not speak to anyone but this wouldn’t help. On the other hand smiling and having a quick chat is really hard. I find it really hard sometimes to fake a smile. I manage it but I think it’s obvious I’m faking it.

It could also be that I am getting a little frustrated over the “no boyfriend in a whole year” situation and I don’t do one night stands (I tried them a couple of times and hated it) so I have reached extreme levels of horniness. I get really shy when it comes to approaching someone I fancy and I find it really hard to make the first move. I blush and start sweating even at the thought of it and if you find this charming and sweet then I find it sad and sickening. I mean I can be friendly like noone else. I can speak to random people and I am veeeeery sociable (I do have like a million friends) but if I fancy them I just lose control. If I manage to speak to them I say the most embarrassing things, I twist my tongue and sound like I’m from a different planet. I stutter and make the worst jokes ever.

That’s it; I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

Maybe not. I bumped into my friend Dave and his boyfriend at the bank and told them I fancy someone who works there. I’ve never seen him outside his workplace. Actually I’ve only seen him twice. Once on Tuesday and once on Wednesday(yesterday). I also kind of fancy someone who works in a pub. Yes, he is a barman. But I really don’t want to go there. Barmen (and barwomen for that matter) have a very bad reputation when it comes to dating. My ex was a barman so I know this firsthand. I can’t say I think every barman is scum. It is my nature to believe in people and go that extra mile and apply that “innocent until proven guilty” theory that I live by no matter how naive it makes me feel sometimes. I do this though because that’s the way I would like other people to treat me too.

We arranged to have a quiet drink with Dave and his boyfriend last night and while we were sipping our drinks they were trying to convince me to come out on a Thursday night (like they always do). Their main selling point was that the man of my dreams will be there and if I don’t go I will miss a great opportunity. The man of my dreams of course is a made-up person. They were not refering to anyone in specific.

So I am now inclined to write the following:

Dear future boyfriend,

Get off your ass and go to boogaloo tonight. When you see me, come say hi. Do not pay attention to what I am saying as I probably won’t be making any sense. Oh, and no, I’m not sunburnt, I just blush really efficiently for very long periods of time.

See you there,
Colin

Related posts:
my dreams can be explained
depression be gone
should i or not?
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having an allergic reaction to life

Written by Colin Brooks on 14.09.06 at 9:51 pm.