Lisa, a beautiful person

I do not want to write this entry. It is painful and unfair to have lost such a wonderful person. But there is no fairness in life, sickness or death. There are no people who deserve bad things to happen to them but it hurts that much more when people who lived their life in the best possible way by being honest, fair and respectful of those around them, get taken from us so soon.

Lisa (or fembat, as a few of us knew her) was one of those people. She lived in the best possible way no matter what cards she was dealt. Her optimism inspired me and many others during the best and worst of times as she never stopped dreaming, working and fighting to achieve her goals and dreams in life. The only thing that managed to defeat her was cancer. She had been fighting this awful disease for years without knowing it.

I spoke with Lisa’s mother who has been contacted by a number of people offering kind words and condolences. If you would like to leave any messages for her family please do so here (or email me privately) and I’ll make sure they reach them.

Our Lisa was and will always be loved by everyone who was privileged to know her. She will be missed and remembered fondly. This blog post can’t do her justice but I get too emotional trying to put my feelings into sentences and I’m sorry for that.

Lisa, I love you and I miss you.

rest in peace Lisa

I cannot believe this has happened. I knew it was coming but still it seems unreal that she is gone. Having said this, she isn’t really gone. She is loved and will stay with everyone who ever knew her forever because that is the person Lisa was. Caring, friendly, fierce, outspoken, honest and real. You couldn’t help but fall in love with her beauty, inner and outer.

We spoke a few times about her problems with cancer and the things she had to go through and she always stressed that it should not make me or anyone else sad. It’s almost an impossible thing to do because all this time I hadn’t been able to not feel sad about it.

It is what it is, she would say over and over again and the cancer was not going to win. She was fighting it in any way she could but unfortunately the disease from hell was always waiting around the corner with something new to throw at her. Cancer never won Lisa, not even in the end. She remained strong and positive about it keeping her personality intact. Cancer never defined her life, she chose what defined her life. Cancer won her body but not her mind.

So in the way she would have liked me to do, I am not mourning her death but celebrating her life. My thoughts are with her husband and her gorgeous girls.

This is one of the hardest posts I ever had to write and I can’t type any more. Please go over to Lisa’s blog if you wish to pay your respects and leave a message for her amazing family.

1 to go (I suck at goodbyes)

Do you know this feeling? There is this awkward feeling where your brain feels heavy. Have you ever had that? Right now that’s what mine feels like, heavy. But not from being full with knowledge, it’s because it’s gone solid. Like some kind of rock or a brick. It has gone numb and I cannot use it any more. I find myself staring into space and I can’t bring myself to focus on what’s really in front of me.

We had our 3rd exam today and I think it went okay but then, what do I know? I’m brain-dead! After it I was supposed to come straight home, nap for a bit and then get into revising for the last exam which is tomorrow. As soon as we got out of the exam hall everyone was talking about going to the pub. You see, for everyone else today was their last day of Uni. But I have my last exam tomorrow for an elective module none of my other coursemates took. It hadn’t hit me until that moment; that was possibly the last time I’d see these guys.

We spent 3 years sharing classrooms and lecture theatres and although I never got very close to a lot of them I was feeling sad. A wave goodbye was not enough. I could not just turn away and leave. They invited me to the pub but I told them I had to study for my next exam. They started walking towards the local pub and since the bus stop was on the way there I joined them. At the last minute I changed my mind and kept walking. I went with them to the pub for a pint.

We had our drinks and chatted. The conversation was around random things and no one would bring up the future so I asked. “What is everyone doing for the summer?” The answers made it obvious it was the end. People were going to look for new accommodation, jobs or move away.

Once I finished my pint I had to go. I had no more time to spare and even though I wanted to stay, I stood up. We said goodbye and with a “see you later”, I opened the door. I know I’ll probably see all of them again at graduation (if everything goes well) in about 2 months but at that very moment it felt like it was the end.

I will now go back to my notes in preparation for my next exam. It’s almost over! Is it weird that I’m feeling a little sad about it? I will probably feel the exact opposite tomorrow.

1 down 3 to go

Momentum. That’s what I have right now. I swear I could start revising for my next exam right now but I won’t. I will not, because I think my brain has already turned to mash and I don’t want to push it over the edge. It would probably liquify and that wouldn’t be good since I have another 3 exams before I finish.

Today’s exam was um, interesting. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I wasn’t in my best of moods today and I couldn’t even smile. My friends at uni knew there was something wrong as soon as they saw me and because I haven’t been taking much care of myself lately either, I also look like crap. One of them looked at me for a few seconds and then said that I looked “old”. I don’t know whether it’s because I haven’t shaved in a WHILE or because the bags under my eyes have now stretched all the way down to my knees but that was the verdict. After waiting for about 30 minutes (yes, of course we were there early) the lecturer told us we could go in and get settled.

I took my time. I found a desk away from people I knew and sat down. I didn’t want to be distracted. My luck had a different opinion though. After I sat down more people came in the hall and filled out all the spots but that was not the bad part. You see, I was expecting all the seats to be filled. What I was not expecting was sitting in direct view of a student with his butt hanging out of his jeans. I am not talking about that “hip” thing where your jeans hang low and everyone can see your underwear. The guy was airing his butt! He was sitting on his frickin’ belt!

A few moments later the faint aroma of shit reached me. I don’t know who it was. Either someone had soiled themselves because of all the stress or they could had stepped in dog shit. All I know was that I was being mooned and could smell shit.

I counted backwards from 10 and I refrained from taking deep breaths. I focused my mind elsewhere. I filled in my details on the papers in front of me and read the first couple of questions of the exam though the front page (I consider this a skill) and tried to think.

The time came and the tutor informed us that we could open our booklets and start the exam. I opened mine and read the first two questions again. They were not making any sense. I moved on to the next page. Nop, still nothing. I felt like the words in front of me had lost all meaning. I moved on to the last page which was of course the last question and it made sense! That was it! That was were I was going to begin. I started writing and writing and once everything I could think of was on the answer booklet I moved back to the previous questions. Everything was making sense now. I was in the zone and I couldn’t stop writing.

Almost 3 hours later and I was still writing. My hand was throbbing but I ignored it. I kept writing until I suddenly stopped. I still had 20 minutes but my brain was finally empty. Everything I could possibly come up with as answers to the questions was now on the paper so I decided to see what I had done. I counted the pages.

14 pages! I hadn’t stopped for 14 pages! I was amazed! Not everything I wrote was relevant but it was correct. If they give me marks for half the stuff on there, I’ve passed.

The next 3 exams are all next week (Tuesday, Thursday and Friday). These will be tougher because I won’t have much time in between to revise as much as I’d like but for now I’m not worrying. I have a few days before Tuesday to prepare for them.

Lisa needs our help!

Lisa has received some bad news. She has been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer for the third time. She has been strong and beat this twice so far. To help her through this Miss Ann has organised a fundraiser raffle. Please go over to donate or help in any way you can. It will be very appreciated.

Help send Lisa to Disneyworld

As you can see we’re trying to send her and her family to Disneyland and I’m sure between us we can all find a few quid or bucks to donate. The participation so far has been incredible but every donation counts so please do all you can. There are buttons you can use on your own blog to let more people know.