Do you know this feeling? There is this awkward feeling where your brain feels heavy. Have you ever had that? Right now that’s what mine feels like, heavy. But not from being full with knowledge, it’s because it’s gone solid. Like some kind of rock or a brick. It has gone numb and I cannot use it any more. I find myself staring into space and I can’t bring myself to focus on what’s really in front of me.
We had our 3rd exam today and I think it went okay but then, what do I know? I’m brain-dead! After it I was supposed to come straight home, nap for a bit and then get into revising for the last exam which is tomorrow. As soon as we got out of the exam hall everyone was talking about going to the pub. You see, for everyone else today was their last day of Uni. But I have my last exam tomorrow for an elective module none of my other coursemates took. It hadn’t hit me until that moment; that was possibly the last time I’d see these guys.
We spent 3 years sharing classrooms and lecture theatres and although I never got very close to a lot of them I was feeling sad. A wave goodbye was not enough. I could not just turn away and leave. They invited me to the pub but I told them I had to study for my next exam. They started walking towards the local pub and since the bus stop was on the way there I joined them. At the last minute I changed my mind and kept walking. I went with them to the pub for a pint.
We had our drinks and chatted. The conversation was around random things and no one would bring up the future so I asked. “What is everyone doing for the summer?” The answers made it obvious it was the end. People were going to look for new accommodation, jobs or move away.
Once I finished my pint I had to go. I had no more time to spare and even though I wanted to stay, I stood up. We said goodbye and with a “see you later”, I opened the door. I know I’ll probably see all of them again at graduation (if everything goes well) in about 2 months but at that very moment it felt like it was the end.
I will now go back to my notes in preparation for my next exam. It’s almost over! Is it weird that I’m feeling a little sad about it? I will probably feel the exact opposite tomorrow.
It’s almost 6am here and I can’t fall asleep. Insomnia has kicked my ass again. I tried but it didn’t work. I just can’t sleep tonight. There are thoughts in my head tonight and lots of them. I accidentally played a song that made me reminisce about when things were simpler and I had no cares in the world.
Uni coursework was not an issue and even if it was I didn’t seem to care about it. I didn’t have a boyfriend and I didn’t mind. I was out having fun and enjoying myself as often as I could. It was my second year in Brighton and I had just come out of an almost year-long depression. I just let everything go and had fun. But you see, things were going very well for almost a year and that doesn’t sit well with my karma.
After finally feeling free to enjoy myself, finding the right friends to hang out with and eventually finding a boyfriend things started going downhill. I started having very big problems with my housemate, had a bad break-up and I decided to slow down. Actually, it was a combination of a decision and other factors like getting back to studying and finally finding a part time job where I worked on a regular basis and not just once a month. Being the emotional person that I am, the break-up had affected me more than I wanted to admit. I stopped going out as often. I did not want to meet anyone new. I was only interested in making new friends and it was enough. It actually fulfilled me and I didn’t feel I was missing anything but things were not as great as the year before.
Since then, things have been slowing down even more and lately they’ve come to a screeching halt. However, I know that everything will get better. I have to believe this otherwise the depression will get so bad I won’t be able to get out of bed again. I sound worse than I feel and I hate it. I am a happy person and I can’t stand to see myself break down or get depressed about small things.
To use the lyrics of the song; I will always get up after a nosebleed and I will jump into puddles again.
Hey, look! It’s raining outside!
I give you Hoppípolla by Sigur Rós: (I am putting the video before the audio because the video makes the song even better and you should definitely watch it)
Update: I have replaced the old video I had with the HQ version of it. It was a bitch to get it to embed but I found a hack for it and you can now enjoy it in it’s full glory (well at least fuller than before).