next time I’ll have that coffee and skip the misery

You wake up at 6 in the evening because you slept at 10 in the morning. Your sleeping schedule is too screwed up to bother thinking about it right now. Something’s not right, you had another weird dream. You think it’s a good idea to not have any coffee now because your new-found optimism suggests that this will help you sleep at a more appropriate time for a change.

You are wrong, not only will this not help but you will also be cranky for the rest of your waking hours. Admitting it is the first step and you, my sad, slow-thinking and profoundly clumsy self have become addicted to caffeine. All these coffee flavoured years of your life have come back to bite you in the ass but you’re not sorry you did it. In fact, you’d do it again.

You haven’t blogged for days and you haven’t shaved in as many. Your summer vacation has taken a weird and unexpected turn. Unexpected because you recently received some wonderful news which does not explain why you feel so miserable right now. You should be on a constant high.

The papers were congratulating you. You are now a scientist. Well, you’re a “Computer Scientist” but saying just “scientist” is funnier. This is another thing you haven’t told the internets. Your results were better than what you expected and you’ll be graduating next week. Hurrah! You realise that things will be different in your life from now on but then you remember.

“Oh…!” There was another envelope. You were offered a place at that Masters degree course you applied to. You feel like uni will never be over. You’ll be the eternal student having a heart attack while frantically trying to take notes of what the lecturer is talking about. Of course you’re complaining, it’s in your nature, and after this last year it’s become the only way you can communicate. You find things to complain about even when the news are great.

You realise you wrote a whole post referring to yourself in the second-person. You loathe yourself.

2 down, 2 to go (my brain hates me)

We are waiting to be called in the exam room. The time goes by and we’re all telling each other how we are not ready for this and dreading the exam. Some laugh nervously, others sit in a corner and one is in the wrong place altogether. Seriously, he’s meant to be somewhere else for a different exam but he doesn’t know. He realises he should had gone in with the previous group and tries to convince us that we are all wrong and it is us who are waiting in the wrong place. He goes to check and we never see him again.

Then one of the examiners opens the doors to let us in to the room. We all take our seats and so I choose a desk as far away from people as possible. Today everything seems more informal, it is a smaller room than last week’s and the examiners are not as uptight. We sit down and within 5 minutes we are casually told that we can now start.

I begin to read.

1. This question is on UML and OCL, the…

-Candymaaaaaaaaan! Hey! Candy Maaaaaan!

– No, this can’t be happening. I thought it was over!

– Who can take the sunriiiiise?

– No! No! Shut up!

the Object Constraint Language. The following type diagram represents a…

– Sprinkle it with dewwww…

– Arghhh! Stop it!

– Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or twoooo

– This is not good.

I keep reading through the rest of the questions and try to answer what I can while this plays over and over in my head.

– The candy man can ’cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste goooooood…

By the second hour of the exam I have surrendered to the madness. My feet now move along to the full on band going off in my head in dolby surround.

– Talk about your childhood wishes, you can even eat the dishes!

How can you be upset about doing crappy on an exam when you have this song in your head?

– Who can take the rainbow (who can take the rainboooow)
Wrap it in a sigh (wrap it in a siiiiigh)
Soak it in the sun
And make a groovy lemon pie?

Yes, there were backing vocals too. Why does my brain hate me? Why won’t the voices in my head stop torturing me at the worst possible times?

1 down 3 to go

Momentum. That’s what I have right now. I swear I could start revising for my next exam right now but I won’t. I will not, because I think my brain has already turned to mash and I don’t want to push it over the edge. It would probably liquify and that wouldn’t be good since I have another 3 exams before I finish.

Today’s exam was um, interesting. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I wasn’t in my best of moods today and I couldn’t even smile. My friends at uni knew there was something wrong as soon as they saw me and because I haven’t been taking much care of myself lately either, I also look like crap. One of them looked at me for a few seconds and then said that I looked “old”. I don’t know whether it’s because I haven’t shaved in a WHILE or because the bags under my eyes have now stretched all the way down to my knees but that was the verdict. After waiting for about 30 minutes (yes, of course we were there early) the lecturer told us we could go in and get settled.

I took my time. I found a desk away from people I knew and sat down. I didn’t want to be distracted. My luck had a different opinion though. After I sat down more people came in the hall and filled out all the spots but that was not the bad part. You see, I was expecting all the seats to be filled. What I was not expecting was sitting in direct view of a student with his butt hanging out of his jeans. I am not talking about that “hip” thing where your jeans hang low and everyone can see your underwear. The guy was airing his butt! He was sitting on his frickin’ belt!

A few moments later the faint aroma of shit reached me. I don’t know who it was. Either someone had soiled themselves because of all the stress or they could had stepped in dog shit. All I know was that I was being mooned and could smell shit.

I counted backwards from 10 and I refrained from taking deep breaths. I focused my mind elsewhere. I filled in my details on the papers in front of me and read the first couple of questions of the exam though the front page (I consider this a skill) and tried to think.

The time came and the tutor informed us that we could open our booklets and start the exam. I opened mine and read the first two questions again. They were not making any sense. I moved on to the next page. Nop, still nothing. I felt like the words in front of me had lost all meaning. I moved on to the last page which was of course the last question and it made sense! That was it! That was were I was going to begin. I started writing and writing and once everything I could think of was on the answer booklet I moved back to the previous questions. Everything was making sense now. I was in the zone and I couldn’t stop writing.

Almost 3 hours later and I was still writing. My hand was throbbing but I ignored it. I kept writing until I suddenly stopped. I still had 20 minutes but my brain was finally empty. Everything I could possibly come up with as answers to the questions was now on the paper so I decided to see what I had done. I counted the pages.

14 pages! I hadn’t stopped for 14 pages! I was amazed! Not everything I wrote was relevant but it was correct. If they give me marks for half the stuff on there, I’ve passed.

The next 3 exams are all next week (Tuesday, Thursday and Friday). These will be tougher because I won’t have much time in between to revise as much as I’d like but for now I’m not worrying. I have a few days before Tuesday to prepare for them.

most embarrassing pizza order ever

– Hello. You’ve called “… Pizza” my name is “…”, how can I help you?

– Hi, could I make an order please?

– Certainly! What kind of pizza would you like?

– I would like one Large, Stuffed Crotch Meaty Pi-…

– *bursts into laughter*

– Oh god! *starts to laugh uncontrollably* I’m so sorry! I meant Stuffed Crust!

– *trying to catch her breath but still laughing* That’s okay.

– Oh no, this is so embarrassing, I’m really sorry. Okay, let me try that again without the Freudian slip.

– Sure.

We kept laughing until the end of the phone call.

what, no manual?

because you need instructions I bought a new lighter today and when I looked closely I noticed a new sticker on it. Seriously? Instructions? You mean it’s not magic? Do you not just invoke the god of fire and hope your prayers will be answered? Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?

Honestly though, I will need more than that. Do you have a 0800 number I could call? You see, I was born a blond and I thought I got over it but things like this keep reminding me I may not have and the extra support could prove useful. This is the only way I can look at it. Seeing it in any different way will make me feel like you’re insulting me and my intelligence. Mine and everyone else’s.

As a neurotic member of our society I am deeply worried about this. Shouldn’t it be that if you don’t know how to use a lighter then you shouldn’t be allowed to have one? Wouldn’t that be the best idea? Keep the idiots away from the fire breathing machine? Because, in my book, if someone picks up a lighter and goes “But how?” then they are an idiot.

Is it a marketing idea? Did someone complain? What on earth made you come up with this? Please explain, because I feel dumb and it’s all your fault. I need answers and preferably not on a sticker.