Over the past week I’ve been mentioning my family being over and driving me nuts but there was a reason behind this lovely reunion. You see someone in the family was graduating… I’ve been meaning to write this since Thursday night
You’ve finally done it! I want to congratulate you on your success. Well done fatty, you did better than me! I know very well how hard you’ve tried and all the work you’ve put into your studies. I was there. You can’t lie to me and even if you try I can always tell. Like remember when you said you hadn’t seen my toy cars? I knew you had and we did find them in the VCR a couple of days later. That’s when you started referring to it as “The Garage” (after you had already tried stuffing a sock in it and before you put jam on one of the tapes and stuck it in there because “it was hungry” – oh and by the way that was the last time we sent it to get fixed, you are the reason we grew up without a VCR).
But that is all in the past and reminiscing about it is a bit like sticking your face to the microwave oven door while it’s doing its magic; simply pointless and somewhat dangerous. The truth is that you are a pain in the ass but I love you nonetheless. You are my friend and know everything about me. You are not afraid to tell me the truth and although you don’t understand me sometimes (I do broadcast on a higher frequency than you) you have always supported me. You don’t know what that means to me. I will trust you forever. I will forgive you everything and I will give you any of my internal organs if you ever need one (I really hope you don’t though because I hear it’s a rather unpleasant process).
What I am trying to say is that I am proud of you, little brother. I never doubted you could do it. I am sorry for being a pain sometimes and I am sorry that I am the reason you are in a place where you’d rather not be. I do believe it’s for the best that you’re here but I know what it’s like to not be able to make your own choices and be confined. Hang in there. Just one more year and then the world will be your oyster.
It’s almost 6am here and I can’t fall asleep. Insomnia has kicked my ass again. I tried but it didn’t work. I just can’t sleep tonight. There are thoughts in my head tonight and lots of them. I accidentally played a song that made me reminisce about when things were simpler and I had no cares in the world.
Uni coursework was not an issue and even if it was I didn’t seem to care about it. I didn’t have a boyfriend and I didn’t mind. I was out having fun and enjoying myself as often as I could. It was my second year in Brighton and I had just come out of an almost year-long depression. I just let everything go and had fun. But you see, things were going very well for almost a year and that doesn’t sit well with my karma.
After finally feeling free to enjoy myself, finding the right friends to hang out with and eventually finding a boyfriend things started going downhill. I started having very big problems with my housemate, had a bad break-up and I decided to slow down. Actually, it was a combination of a decision and other factors like getting back to studying and finally finding a part time job where I worked on a regular basis and not just once a month. Being the emotional person that I am, the break-up had affected me more than I wanted to admit. I stopped going out as often. I did not want to meet anyone new. I was only interested in making new friends and it was enough. It actually fulfilled me and I didn’t feel I was missing anything but things were not as great as the year before.
Since then, things have been slowing down even more and lately they’ve come to a screeching halt. However, I know that everything will get better. I have to believe this otherwise the depression will get so bad I won’t be able to get out of bed again. I sound worse than I feel and I hate it. I am a happy person and I can’t stand to see myself break down or get depressed about small things.
To use the lyrics of the song; I will always get up after a nosebleed and I will jump into puddles again.
Hey, look! It’s raining outside!
I give you Hoppípolla by Sigur Rós: (I am putting the video before the audio because the video makes the song even better and you should definitely watch it)
Update: I have replaced the old video I had with the HQ version of it. It was a bitch to get it to embed but I found a hack for it and you can now enjoy it in it’s full glory (well at least fuller than before).
Goodbye warm sweet summer breeze. I will force myself to live carefree for another few days but I’m not strong enough. There is a new year ahead of me, waiting to be lived. Today is when the new year begins. For me the start of the year has always been September. January is just an excuse for celebrating a new number.
I wanted 2004-2005 to be unique and it was.
I will wake up tomorrow with a confident smile. It is my personal anniversary. My first anniversary of doing things my way. Standing on my own two feet and smiling. 366 days ago I was handing over my heart to the only person that could give me this opportunity and he did. Thank you. Do you remember me shaking and forgetting my English as I spoke to you? Do you remember my nervous smile? I wasn’t confident then, I was very scared. You believed I could do this, you probably saw it in my eyes. You trusted me and for that I thank you.
I want to say I owe you but the word isn’t strong enough.