next time I’ll have that coffee and skip the misery

You wake up at 6 in the evening because you slept at 10 in the morning. Your sleeping schedule is too screwed up to bother thinking about it right now. Something’s not right, you had another weird dream. You think it’s a good idea to not have any coffee now because your new-found optimism suggests that this will help you sleep at a more appropriate time for a change.

You are wrong, not only will this not help but you will also be cranky for the rest of your waking hours. Admitting it is the first step and you, my sad, slow-thinking and profoundly clumsy self have become addicted to caffeine. All these coffee flavoured years of your life have come back to bite you in the ass but you’re not sorry you did it. In fact, you’d do it again.

You haven’t blogged for days and you haven’t shaved in as many. Your summer vacation has taken a weird and unexpected turn. Unexpected because you recently received some wonderful news which does not explain why you feel so miserable right now. You should be on a constant high.

The papers were congratulating you. You are now a scientist. Well, you’re a “Computer Scientist” but saying just “scientist” is funnier. This is another thing you haven’t told the internets. Your results were better than what you expected and you’ll be graduating next week. Hurrah! You realise that things will be different in your life from now on but then you remember.

“Oh…!” There was another envelope. You were offered a place at that Masters degree course you applied to. You feel like uni will never be over. You’ll be the eternal student having a heart attack while frantically trying to take notes of what the lecturer is talking about. Of course you’re complaining, it’s in your nature, and after this last year it’s become the only way you can communicate. You find things to complain about even when the news are great.

You realise you wrote a whole post referring to yourself in the second-person. You loathe yourself.

the iq of a cow

Too much bad news is floating around me and my friends. I thought I’d try to post something a little more upbeat or more irrelevant to our personal lives, as it would be more appropriate to describe. Something to try and cheer everyone up so I thought I’d finish writing this post which I started many moons ago. So, I updated it and made a lot of corrections to it until it took a life of its own and I gave up. I hope you enjoy it. Many thanks to Diz for proofreading this when my brain died on me.

I am sitting there watching the news with a cow-like expression on my face. You know, the apathetic, the uninterested, the “what the hell do I care” sort of look. The “may the Gods keep me well and I don’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of the humanity” look. I don’t care, any Gods, the 12 that live (or used to live) up at the top of Olympus (because people haven’t seen them in a few years and there have been no reports on their whereabouts lately), the mighty Egyptian Isis with her philanthropic tendencies, or even Krishna, since now in my new found cow-like state, I could use a protector. Any one will do, I don’t mind, let them pick who’s going to keep me from harm, I’m easy.

I should note I have nothing against cows; on the contrary, I have the utmost appreciation for cows. I respect them. They are serious, hard-working and reliable. But everyone can admit that you can’t include their fascinated stare among their many, otherwise wonderful, qualities. I don’t know how to describe it without approaching it in a surreal way. As if it is chewing gum? But hold the chewing? Well, something like that.

I am sitting there watching the news with this cow-like approach to it. Politics and civil wars between politicians. Attacks and hits below the belt. And we, the news watchers, are in the middle, invited to pick a side. Some are playing the race card, others are playing the feminist card. I am playing the “keep it to yourselves” card. I don’t live there anyway, so I switch the channel.

Oh brilliant, more news. I am sitting there watching the news, on a different channel this time, with the cow-like look. Too bad, no scandals this week. Oh wait, there’s one, it’s a repeat. The phone-in scandal of the TV channel (channels? were there more than one?) where people cried over not being included in the draws because they let them call after the participation time had ended. Poor Ant & Dec, you were caught in the middle of a £3 million controversy.

I am there watching the news with a cow-like idealism where nothing is important or everything is. By looking at a cow, you’ll never be able to tell. She might be suffering from constipation or giddy beyond belief or reason, and yet the expression on her face won’t change. Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Madonna – names fly out of that box with the images that move and I am untouched. Mentally unaltered. Nothing makes me feel a thing. It’s not important – I shall move along. Press another button and be transferred to another time and place.

I am now sitting there watching someone try to build a house in Spain with the same cow-like stare. The ground is not what they expected and they’ve gone over the budget. Oh, the drama. But a cow is still a cow no matter what is happening around her. There is no hay to chew, so I’m biting my nails. Just because they’re there and easy to get to. I’d rather watch the news.

I am sitting there watching the news and they are talking. Endlessly, these wonderfully articulated people are still talking about small things, unimportant things, repeated stories and I am taking it all in. In a cow-like fashion. Rechewing it and digesting it. Haven’t we already dealt with all this? We have a new prime minister, leave it alone, let him do whatever he can and when the time comes you’ll have your chance to elect someone else. Stop bitching about the same old things. He failed to do what you thought and what he promised he would. Write him a letter and ask him nicely. He might consider your requests, you never know. None of the politicians ever did something when you yelled on TV about it anyway, so why not try this less annoying approach?

Everything else has been taken care of. No new things to talk about. Just the same old cud, rechewed and yet still there. Even as a cow, who is used to cud, I am getting sick of all this. Or is it that no news equals good news? It is, isn’t it?

And as I am watching the news I am overcome by a feeling of optimism. Everything has been dealt with, so they’re repeating it because they have nothing else to say. Everything belongs in the past then.

We live in a society of good. A society so perfect that the news reports don’t have enough news to fill their time. A nation so well tuned, like a Swiss watch. This is no longer a nation – it is an equilibrium personified. With watches, banks and fields. And cows. Many cows…

And when I realised it I was very happy. And I breathed again, like the cow I am!

walking through a month-long fog

I woke up from a dream where everything around me was misty. Thick fog was blurring my surroundings and I had no idea where I was headed. I was following the road I was on thinking that this was the best way to not get lost. When I opened my eyes the sun was shining and warming my bed through the bedroom window. I could feel the gentle morning sun warmth on my skin. Not being a morning person means that I do not express anything for at least the first 30 minutes of being awake (on my best days) but I was smiling on the inside. I was smiling because the nastiness of the past few weeks is over. The weather is getting warmer every day and it feels like summer every time I go outside.

Guys in just flip-flops and shorts are walking around or sunbathing in the parks. Girls in their most casual clothes are basking in the sun and drinking brightly coloured frozen drinks. Young children are playing at the beach. Older people are sitting in deck chairs chatting away while the sun reddens their skin. I am walking past them all in my usual fast pace wishing that I could be one of them even for only an hour. They all look so carefree and at that very moment I get pulled into their lives. Suddenly I am a young boy throwing pebbles in the sea trying to make a bigger splash than the rest of my recently met friends. I am a mother of 3 smiling as I take a photo of my children acting goofy. I am an old man walking my dog along the seafront with the help of a walking cane. Just like that, I’m there imagining what they are thinking and feeling. I am not imagining what their lives are like but what they are feeling that very moment. They seem happy.

I keep walking and I can’t help but notice that everyone looks happy. Hell, even I am looking happy. It doesn’t matter that I have a very difficult month ahead of me. It doesn’t matter that this month is what will judge whether the last 4 years of my life have been successful or I should had spent my time and money in something else. The only thing that matters is that in exactly a month from today I will be finished with this course. I will not be bound by coursework. I will be able to enjoy my summer and choose my next steps.

The dream was true; I don’t know where I am headed but I am following that road. The road will soon take me to the next town and the fog will clear by the time I get there. Where I go from there is a whole different trip but until then I will remember all this and keep that smile on my face no matter how stressed I get. The wonderful weather will make it harder to stay inside and study but it will elevate my mood and a good mood is vital when preparing for final exams. Final! That word gives me goosebumps!

Off I go!

happy new year

Goodbye warm sweet summer breeze. I will force myself to live carefree for another few days but I’m not strong enough. There is a new year ahead of me, waiting to be lived. Today is when the new year begins. For me the start of the year has always been September. January is just an excuse for celebrating a new number.

I wanted 2004-2005 to be unique and it was.

I will wake up tomorrow with a confident smile. It is my personal anniversary. My first anniversary of doing things my way. Standing on my own two feet and smiling. 366 days ago I was handing over my heart to the only person that could give me this opportunity and he did. Thank you. Do you remember me shaking and forgetting my English as I spoke to you? Do you remember my nervous smile? I wasn’t confident then, I was very scared. You believed I could do this, you probably saw it in my eyes. You trusted me and for that I thank you.

I want to say I owe you but the word isn’t strong enough.