…my voice is reaching a very high note. I sound like a cat in a blender…

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think that reality is closing in on you, threatening to drive you mad? One of those moments that you see everything a little bit too clear and not only that but things are getting worse by the second? Picture this:

It’s Thursday. I’m out with my friend Dave. I’m sat at the same table with L. A friend of his is with him. I have suspicion that they are becoming more than just friends. I am being confirmed by the minute as they indulge in a little game of “touchy feely”. I try to come to terms with the fact that nothing will happen between me and L.

I turn around and start a random conversation with Dave so that I have an excuse to get my mind and eyes off of the lovebirds. Conversation is working. But a surprise is on its way…

L. waves at someone and that someone comes over. It’s someone I slept with, around this time last year and who I still have a crush on. My inner chameleon comes to the surface as I change colours so fast that I need an epilepsy warning before people can look directly at me. We say “hi” and that is that, L. is a little surprised that we know each other. I tell Dave (who is sitting next to me) what is going on and he mutters an “oh-oh” before I snap. I start freaking out and I feel very awkward. There is something weird happening in my stomach. I try to start a new conversation with Dave to distract me from my freaking out but it doesn’t work. So far I have been drinking orange juice, it’s time to start drinking something with alcohol in it. I crave that numbing effect that alcohol has, so I stand up and go to the bar. I order my wine and go back to the table. I look at the group of people sitting there and I freak out a little bit again. I decide it’s time to call Maria and tell her how things are going.

She picks up the phone and my voice is reaching a very high note. I sound like a cat in a blender. I move towards the toilets because the music is too loud and I can’t hear her. As I am telling her everything, one of the cubicle doors opens and my ex comes out. I see him and freeze. It’s like the soles of my shoes have melted and stuck to the floor. My voice has reached an even higher frequency now, one that only dogs can hear. I’ve gone supersonic. He comes up to me and says “Boo”, then carries on walking. I have no idea how to react to something like this. Words have suddenly lost all meaning. I stop talking and Maria starts freaking out as well. She really thinks I will explode and so do I. I take deep breaths. She takes deep breaths.

She tells me to be strong and face whatever may happen tonight. She tells me I should have known that something like this would happen sooner or later. I knew it but I’d rather it had been later than sooner. We hang up the phone. I am feeling a little better. I make my way back to the table. The show must go on. I smile and start chatting to a very worried Dave. We joke and laugh. I am still sitting at the same table with the guy I wanted to shag, the guy he will be shagging soon, a guy I have already shagged and my ex is just around the corner. It’s too uncomfortable and also so real. Reality seems a very odd concept to me at that moment.

You can probably imagine how drunk I got that night…

Related posts:
L.
having an allergic reaction to life
bad dreams + horniness = a really bad mood
Friday night, I had a date
i’ve got shitloads to do, now how about that meltdown?

Written by Colin Brooks on 13.05.06 at 7:11 pm.