Wait, what? I haven’t posted since Monday! It feels like it was just yesterday! How can it already be Friday. Okay, it’s only been Friday for like 4 hours but still. Almost a week has gone by and I have no idea where it went. I’ve spent every day between Uni, coursework and pretending I am not stressed. Well, I am stressed. I’m doing all I can to keep it together. I smile, joke and pretend everything is okay and under control. Yes, I’ve gone back to denial. If I want to make it through this, this is the only way. Keep smiling and just move on.

I have turned my back on the stress and the doubt that caused the meltdown last week. My mum stayed here for a week (she will be going back home in a few hours) and having her here really helped. She kept me company and took care of little things like cooking and doing the washing up which in this case are actually big things. For me, taking the time to go pick up groceries, cook, clean and generally do housework would mean that I would have to stop studying when I have no time for it. I can have breaks, sure, but during these breaks I usually need to rest or clear my head. I need to do something that will entertain me a little bit so that I keep sane.

So this week I took a couple of walks around town. I went from shop to shop pretending that I was shopping for things I don’t really want right now. Making scenarios in my head of where these items would be useful. For instance, “if I buy this pair of sunglasses I will be able to wear it on my fantastic holidays this summer”. I have not made proper holiday plans yet but right now even the idea of holidays and not doing anything for a while is keeping me going. However, I had promised myself that I would reward me with something when I finished the project/dissertation. I was going to go on a date and not rule out the possibility of sex on the second date (I had already gone out with that person once before). However, with my mum being in the house at all times this was never going to happen so I thought of something else. It is something completely random. I bought a Sony PSP. I know this is dangerous as it may distract me but I believe I can control myself. I can play with it and when I have studying to do I can give it to my brother to keep or play or even hide it (if it gets that bad).

—–If you have no interest in PSP then you can skip this paragraph.—–
The console came in a deal with a free game and I chose The Simpsons game because I thought it was better than the rest offered and I also bought God Of War: Chains of Olympus. They didn’t have the Simpsons game in stock so I’ll have to go pick it up some other day however I played a little of the God of War and it is very good! I am so amazed by how good a small thing like a PSP is at rendering graphics and generally doing all the things it can do. The last handheld gaming console I owned was a Game Boy (yes one of those brick ones, not the later thinner ones). When I told my brother I bought the PSP he went out and bough some games too. He bought Worms: Open Warfare, Brothers in Arms D-Day and Driver 76. I haven’t played them all yet but wow, this little machine is incredible and the games seem really fun also. There’s a lot fun to be had with this PSP of mine. I’ve got my eye on Patapon and LocoRoco. They are both crazy looking games but look so fun!

Anyway, enough with all this. So, as I said my mum is leaving in a few hours and it will be sad to see her leave again but I feel like I should do this alone. I can’t have my mum babysit me whenever things get tough. Plus, it made me feel very bad that I panicked my parents so much that one of them had to come over. It’s too much guilt but I love them and I know I would had done exactly the same if I were in their place.

Related posts:
10 hours, 4280 words, 2 print outs, 1 brain turned into jam
Colin’s (long) story of Christmas and the vicious circle
excuses for my absence
fresher for life - no more, watch - no more
Just a phone call away

Written by Colin Brooks on 18.04.08 at 4:08 am.