the iq of a cow

Too much bad news is floating around me and my friends. I thought I’d try to post something a little more upbeat or more irrelevant to our personal lives, as it would be more appropriate to describe. Something to try and cheer everyone up so I thought I’d finish writing this post which I started many moons ago. So, I updated it and made a lot of corrections to it until it took a life of its own and I gave up. I hope you enjoy it. Many thanks to Diz for proofreading this when my brain died on me.

I am sitting there watching the news with a cow-like expression on my face. You know, the apathetic, the uninterested, the “what the hell do I care” sort of look. The “may the Gods keep me well and I don’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of the humanity” look. I don’t care, any Gods, the 12 that live (or used to live) up at the top of Olympus (because people haven’t seen them in a few years and there have been no reports on their whereabouts lately), the mighty Egyptian Isis with her philanthropic tendencies, or even Krishna, since now in my new found cow-like state, I could use a protector. Any one will do, I don’t mind, let them pick who’s going to keep me from harm, I’m easy.

I should note I have nothing against cows; on the contrary, I have the utmost appreciation for cows. I respect them. They are serious, hard-working and reliable. But everyone can admit that you can’t include their fascinated stare among their many, otherwise wonderful, qualities. I don’t know how to describe it without approaching it in a surreal way. As if it is chewing gum? But hold the chewing? Well, something like that.

I am sitting there watching the news with this cow-like approach to it. Politics and civil wars between politicians. Attacks and hits below the belt. And we, the news watchers, are in the middle, invited to pick a side. Some are playing the race card, others are playing the feminist card. I am playing the “keep it to yourselves” card. I don’t live there anyway, so I switch the channel.

Oh brilliant, more news. I am sitting there watching the news, on a different channel this time, with the cow-like look. Too bad, no scandals this week. Oh wait, there’s one, it’s a repeat. The phone-in scandal of the TV channel (channels? were there more than one?) where people cried over not being included in the draws because they let them call after the participation time had ended. Poor Ant & Dec, you were caught in the middle of a £3 million controversy.

I am there watching the news with a cow-like idealism where nothing is important or everything is. By looking at a cow, you’ll never be able to tell. She might be suffering from constipation or giddy beyond belief or reason, and yet the expression on her face won’t change. Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Madonna – names fly out of that box with the images that move and I am untouched. Mentally unaltered. Nothing makes me feel a thing. It’s not important – I shall move along. Press another button and be transferred to another time and place.

I am now sitting there watching someone try to build a house in Spain with the same cow-like stare. The ground is not what they expected and they’ve gone over the budget. Oh, the drama. But a cow is still a cow no matter what is happening around her. There is no hay to chew, so I’m biting my nails. Just because they’re there and easy to get to. I’d rather watch the news.

I am sitting there watching the news and they are talking. Endlessly, these wonderfully articulated people are still talking about small things, unimportant things, repeated stories and I am taking it all in. In a cow-like fashion. Rechewing it and digesting it. Haven’t we already dealt with all this? We have a new prime minister, leave it alone, let him do whatever he can and when the time comes you’ll have your chance to elect someone else. Stop bitching about the same old things. He failed to do what you thought and what he promised he would. Write him a letter and ask him nicely. He might consider your requests, you never know. None of the politicians ever did something when you yelled on TV about it anyway, so why not try this less annoying approach?

Everything else has been taken care of. No new things to talk about. Just the same old cud, rechewed and yet still there. Even as a cow, who is used to cud, I am getting sick of all this. Or is it that no news equals good news? It is, isn’t it?

And as I am watching the news I am overcome by a feeling of optimism. Everything has been dealt with, so they’re repeating it because they have nothing else to say. Everything belongs in the past then.

We live in a society of good. A society so perfect that the news reports don’t have enough news to fill their time. A nation so well tuned, like a Swiss watch. This is no longer a nation – it is an equilibrium personified. With watches, banks and fields. And cows. Many cows…

And when I realised it I was very happy. And I breathed again, like the cow I am!

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