It’s very hard to find a title for this post because I don’t really have a main subject that I can focus upon, it’s more of a random series of rambling “this is what is happening in my world, far, far away from you nice folk, not that you’re really interested.” The problem is, nothing really happens in my life to update you with. I do the same thing over and over again.

I have just returned home from high tea. I had thought that this high tea would be a traumatic experience, it certinly started out as a traumatic experience. A table of twelve had booked in, only half were having high tea.

Splitting tables, especially birthday tables tends to make one’s work much more difficult. Customers like to play musical chairs, move about, talk to each other. It also means that if only half of them have high tea and the other half decided to just share then there is a good portion of the restaurant filled with non-paying customers who will occupy seats that paying customers could be sitting in for some time. Thankfully this is not how todays high tea turned out, they were lovely people who just lacked knowledge of how we operate.

Fortunately the owner is both petty and vindictive, so during the setup he split the table into two groups, those having high tea, and those at another table who were able to order form the a la carte menu. While I love most customers and try every reasonable step to exceed their expectations, I fear that most of them have no idea how much the special arrangements they ask for can put out a small business.

This high tea was to celebrate a woman’s eightieth birthday. Old women love me, so it turned out rather well in the end. I was able to provide them with excellent and attentive service and at the end recieved a standing ovation, in the middle of the restaurant.

Probably one of the more insulting things that customers do is to bring in their own food. While I can understand that you may have special dietary requirements we have two qualified chefs on the books. If you can’t eat solids because you’re on a liquid diet it’s probably best to mention this to us while you book.

Our chefs know how to make soups, and I can personally recommend the consommé. Bringing in a packet of dried soup and asking us to get the chef to cook this for you means that we have to run the risk of offending the chef, and goodness knows that chefs are not always the most stress-free people. Further more it means that we’re going to the expense of paying someone to cook your soup, take it out to your table, clear your table and wash up after you.

I type this with very restrained fingers for I know that such a customer isn’t trying to cause offence, but rather lacks an understanding of the industry. However, people who bring their own food because of special dietary requirements are nothing in comparison to people who bring their own teabags and expect us to provide them with a table and chair, hot water, teapots and crockery. For some reason they are surprised when we get annoyed at them not actually buying anything. In my personal experience poetry groups are adroit at this.

Customers who try and scam free things (yes, I know, I’ve just started on a rambling rant and I can’t stop myself) however have a special place in the very bottom of my blacked, char-grilled, chilli and garlic flavoured soul. If we run a promotion and that promotion ends you don’t get to come in the next week, demand the same offer and demand to see the manager when you’re politely informed that the offer is no longer current. I’m sure I posted the story here of the woman who refused to pay for her bill because she had parlimentary privledge (a special parlimentary right not to be sued for slander for anything said in parliment). Insulting the intelligence of staff is not going to get you a free meal, especially if we’ve hosted the real member of parliment that you’re trying to impersonate.

People who walk in off the street and then get angry because we have no tables available also get on my nerve. Yes, we usually have tables available, but if we don’t have them and you haven’t booked you’re either going to have to wait. This my friends is a fact of life, I don’t actually have a spare table hidden up my arse, I’m not being vindictive, I leave that to the higher ups. Saves me the bother usually.

Customers that I hate however, genuinely, passionately hate, with every fiber blacked, char-grilled, chilli and garlic flavoured soul, are not the ones who ruin my night. The customers that I hate are the ones that ruin the night of other people. Do you really think it’s that funny to make some poor seventeen year old student rush out of the room in tears so that you can feel big and strong in front of your friends? If this is you then you are a dickhead. If your friends think that you are big and powerful because you managed to make some poor smuck trying to etch out a living cry in front of a floor full of tables then your friends are dickheads too. If you think it’s OK to go and harass someone at another table because you’re paying for your meal, so what? They’re paying for their meal too, they have just as much right to enjoy their night as you do.

That being said, while I did stress about todays high tea, on my day off, smack bang in the middle of the day, it turned out quite well. Reading back upon my post I feel that I must also point out that negative experiences with customers are a tiny minority of my experiences, probably about 1%. I don’t hate customers, in fact they are the reason why I’m in this experience, to ensure that people have a great time, enjoy their function, or have a pleasantly memorable event. I could probably go back and re-write this entry in a non-rambling way, however I’m late for the gym.

Ciao, and please be respectful of your fellow diners.

Related posts:
hangover’s hard to do
bono
Stupid stuff
how many times can you say “fat chance” in one dream?
seriously, this is getting old

Written by Adrian on 18.03.07 at 5:31 am.